The Approach of Skaoi IV
After-Action Report
Filed by: Lieutenant Redshirt
Regarding: World-Worm Attack
Date: 03/08/4791
Time: 0436 hours, shipboard time
Time Log:
[0102] The Ogden drops to sub-light speeds to make the final approach to Skaoi IV.
[0436] Massive object on intercept course detected on scanners. Rogue planet suspected, course changed to avoid it.
[0452] Massive object course change confirmed, is still on intercept path.
[0453] Scott advises: "It's one o'those damned worms, aye fer sure!"
[0455] Additional scans confirm that the object is a world-worm in its fifth molting.
[0501] Microfighters reconfigured to be armed with Worm-Annoyer 5000 laser canons.
[0503] Microfighters scrambled.
[0524] Microfighters forget that world-worms have substantial gravity and fall into/are hit by its thrashing tail. 30 casualties sustained.
[0525] Panic on the bridge.
[0526] Captain calms crew: "We still have time before that thing catches us. I want everyone on this ship awake and thinking of ideas to get rid of it or get us out of here. Scott, can we get back up to super-light?"
Scott: "Nae, Cap'n. Manual says we haf ta wait twenty-fer hours 'tween Relat'vistic Inversions."
[0530] Last of the crew roused from sleep, briefed on the crisis, and ordered to begin Mandatory Creativity.
[0534] Worm confirmed to intercept in 30 minutes.
[0540] Scott reports: "I got it 'ere! Against reg'lations for normal, but reg'lation 3-38-267b calls "deep space world-worm attack" by a 'extenuatin circumstance'."
Captain: "Scott, we're about to die, I don't give a damn about regulations!"
Scott: "Reg'lations are important, Cap'n, 'specially at death's door. 'Sides, we're allow'd ta use tae Anti-Jape Reserve confeerin extenuatin circumstance. I recommend Procedure 4-1-1q: Immediately and Thoroughly Nuking the Site from Orbit Wherein The 'Site' Is A World-Worm."
[0557] Scott's team finishes hacking the Anti-Jape Reserve to an escape pod to act as guidance system.
[0558] Reserve launched.
[0601] Reserve confirmed to be sufficiently inside worm to avoid disintegrating the Ogden on detonation.
[0602] Reserve remote-detonated. Worm broke off chase.
[0712] Scanners can no longer detect worm. Captain declares crisis averted.
Review:
The 30 casualties sustained in the fight are unacceptable losses. All pilots are to be re-trained on fighting deep-space threats. Additionally, despite hundreds of minds working on the problem, the idea that saved us all was not thought of until it was nearly too late. To avoid this in the future, all crew are to undergo mandatory Mandatory Creativity training, pending Captain's approval.
Scott expressed surprise that the worm attacked us- "Tae Ogden be a large faar, aye, but 'ardly a chat fer a continibbler o'the sort. Never seen one chase a ship syne sec'd molt. Bet is teas damn linfroggles, dash em ta bits, only thing we gain'd syne last pass through tere migration path, certainly tae only thing wit'out complete doc'mentation."
Dr. Maria Verdes agreed: "Just how the world-worms propel themselves through space without apparent exhaust, find enough nutrition in the crust of rocky planets to sustain a beast of their size and activity, and how they resist collapsing under their own gravity have all been long-standing mysteries. The linfroggles have been recently confirmed by the CDS-RU to run on magical pico-elves, and I wouldn't be too surprised if these were the main prey of the worms, granting them their logic-defying abilities. Pico-elves are notoriously slippery, and it sounds quite reasonable to me that the only viable strategy of hunting them, besides dimensional-harmonic traps of course, would be to devour entire continents hoping to catch one or two particularly slow ones by surprise. The worm must have smelled them on the ship."
Lieutenant Redshirt of the Ogden