Stun Blaster 9001

Departmental Memo: Lead-up To Candlenights / Crimbo / Hanukkah / Eid / Kwanza / Christmas / Christmas2 Edition - 18 December 2556

Alright, guys, good news and bad news! Bad news first, ob-vi. There's an official recall on the Stun Blaster 9001. An investigator from Fossegrim's Odin's Private Eye division from came in yesterday, and, after I gave him a brief tour and pointed out all you singles out there (watch your messages!1! ;)). He LOVED the records room by the by. SHOUTOUT TO 54MM1 AND LAVENDER! Where was I? Oh yeah. So after I gave him the tour, he said,

"Fossegrim Industries (hereafter referred to as "The Company") hereby formally announces that The Company has identified a minor issue with the model of taser-rifle-augment-computer-tactical recording device-remote programming implement-massager known as the 'Stun Blaster 9001©' wherein an individual who may have come into contact with or been near a 'plasma shell©'© would experience "seizure-like" symptoms. We assure the public that these are rare, edge-case uses, and all returns will be remitted a full discount in Fossegrim Store credit.

"The Company also wishes to warn any individual that the use of any of the following phrases found in connection with any communication around this recall will result in a first-class, premium, platinum-quality defamation charges[1]: 'neurological reprogramming', 'neurological virus', 'neurological hijacking',...

"If you would like to retain your right to settle separately, please email The Company's Department of Bureaucratic affairs to begin the civil suit process. Those who have not done so by 21:00 CST 18 December 2556 hereby forego their right to settle separately."™[2]

So bummer :((( looks like we're gonna have to give up the Stun Blaster 9001's.

AND GET SOME STUN BLASTER 9002.1s!!!! Fossegrim has generously offered to replace all our SB9001s with their updated model, and he said, "Oh, we've got all the kinks worked out."™ YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

The NCPF Annual Christmas Party!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S COMING IN HOT AND HARD! Fossegrim also generously offered to sponsor the party!!! Expect a CRAZY lights show and catering by Sæhrímnir Ethical Labgrown Stuffings!!! We've also finally got a schedule up, visit the breakroom if you'd like to see it (WE FINALLY GOT THE HOOKUP TIME BOOKED IN! I'M LOOKIN AT YOU, Linklyssa! And I know you're going to be having a fun time Xemn1 (SUCH A CUTE SHIPNAME! they're totes lasting FOREVER). All departments and visiting consultants and whatever are, of course, invited.

We've got some birthdays coming up! Agent Agent, Bluebelt, and Xen don't think we've forgotten about you! We'll celebrate that at the Christmas party! Be sure to wish them a good one!

The janitorial bots wish to thank you all for not actively dirtying the bots this week. Keep doing whatever elsewhere, but not on the bots, okay?

Misclasses:
"The shaft is all imbalanced and besides, there's barely any stock or barrel worth speaking of." - Eff N. Freer
"Please refrain from sucking so loudly" - Xen
"Oh, we've got all the kinks worked out."™ - Fossegrim Guy I think he said his name is J0SE?
"IT'S COMING IN HOT AND HARD" - Holly Famous
"And their guns are top notch" - Agent Agent
"This thing here just might be darker than my coffee. And twice as hot." - Agent Agent

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Holly "Jolly Christmas2" Famous, Administrative Assistant

[1] A charge may be upgraded to first-class, premium, and/or platinum-quality charges with expedited processing for a low fee! See your local Judicial District Information Complex for details!
[2] All statements by Fossegrim employees are trademarked and may not be reproduced in part or full except with the full, explicit permission of Fossegrim Industries.